Jane is Dead: One Week In

OK movie posts are over. For now. I have a lot of processing to do and I’m going to do some of it by writing. Some of that I’m going to do here.

Yes, as the title says, my Lovely, Beautiful Jane is Dead. She died a week ago on Saturday, 23 July, peacefully while she slept next to me. There’s a notice on the Spears Family Website.

Today I felt terrible. Almost all day. It was lovely to have Elsie and Ed around. They were kind to me. I can accept that, when they freely give me nurturing. Jacqui came in the morning and we went to Elsie’s hockey. That hurt. There was no Jane loyally attending every hockey game with me and shouting “Go Harewood!”. I enjoyed being with Jacqui, talking about my process while she listened. Hearing about hers, and about Maddie and Simon.

The “What If?” question has been bugging me badly today. What if I’d said “Are you alright, Jane?”. And then just the twisted gut feeling of loss. Jane gone. A thousand small reminders of Jane each day. Each one like a plaster being pulled off. Yesterday, I had a better day. Today I feel like I’m paying for that. “Hanging On and Letting Go”

There were people around but I wasn’t up to talking with them. Just retreating into myself to feel the pain. Learning “the Song that is Playing at the Bottom of the Pit”. Hanna tidied up and refreshed all the flowers. Thank you Hanna, you angel.

This last week has been the most painful of my life. My loss of Jane came so suddenly and was so great that it almost completely overwhelmed me. All of the amazing people that were here loving and holding me couldn’t make it any better. If they hadn’t been here, tho, I don’t know that I would have survived it. It has also been the most profoundly magical week of my life. A “Festival of Love” that touched everyone who came in contact with it.

Kate and Walter were the last ones here. We talked long and easily together. I talked through with them much of what I have hinted at in this post. We talked about the funeral that seemed so like a wedding. About my experience of deep love, the joining of the two groups of family, friends and workmates in celebration of Jane, and of our relationship and how both had affected them all, the ending of Jane in death and the living on of the relationship, somehow despite that. “Now that Death Has Us Parted”

I know that I have a lot of letting go to do and a lot of holding on. That’s why I’m writing: to give myself time and opportunity to do both those things. I’d like to write some of the story of the relationship that Jane and I created. “Danger, Love Ahead” is a title for that.