Back to Square One (and Beyond)

Today I went through some photos of times that Jane and I shared. That doesn’t really express it. Today, I looked at some photos and the scenes in the photos became the present moment with Jane in it and me in it. I looked at Jane’s face in the photo and felt love pouring out of my heart towards her. I watched a couple of short and pretty crap videos of her and felt my hand pulled to touch her cheek, her hair. Just to rest gently on her skin.

I’m still in love with you, Jane. I see you in those photos (Bannockburn, North New Brighton, both in January this year) and I know you are the one for me. The gentleness, perceptiveness and responsiveness in you. Your subtlety of mood and expression. You being you, quietly taking in the world, considering, originating.

I read the documents that you wrote for me (I will blog these) and, in every word see you, your wryness, your humour, mischievousness and deep sincerity. I see your love for me, how can I not see that?

How can I say I “still” love you, Jane? Who “on earth” would want to hear those words? I guess that’s just it. Well, actually, unfortunately I can think of the circumstance but it hasn’t got you in it, Jane. Here I am trying to make myself not love you. I admit it. I want the end of this pain. And yet I can’t say goodbye to you because you live on in my heart, my mind, my body. I can ignore, forget, distract, but only for so long. Suddenly you are right back in my life, large and real, saying to me… what do you say to me?

I’ll give it a go. “Reverse roles with Jane”.

Daniel, I’ve been waiting for this chance. You know that I am way beyond you, now. I know about the days when we were shoulder to shoulder, “skin to skin” we called it. Every moment that you treasure, I remember too and cherish. I, too see, am recalling, reliving each moment from our love together. But now I am in some larger realm that you can not know. It has been painful for me too to adjust to this new way of being. You see I don’t have to let go. I can have all that we had. It’s just that I have all else at the same time.

I know that you love me, that to you I live on in your life. I know that you can only live on with my imprint on your life. I also know that you can and do gradually let me go. As that imprint fades and the people and things that live on and those that are new in your life make their mark. Daniel, you know don’t you that I do not need you to honour my memory. You can do that if you want, of course but do whatever you do for you, not me. I am sorry but I am that gone to you.

I do have one wish. It is that the love that we shared lives on in you, somehow. That my touch on your heart leaves a warm patch, not with my name on it but with yours. Yours to keep, to feel at all times, to let flow, to swirl, in you and out into the world around you. I know that is what makes you go. Let me pervade and be love in your life, Daniel. Let me be in the air that you breathe.