This morning I dreamed Jane. I had been dozing, sleeping not very well. In my dream, Jane and Tyl were with me. They were goofing about in an alley. Jane was swinging a bottle from her fingers and then threw it along the alley. She hurt her finger. Then she was standing up looking at […]
I know it seems obvious but I have been piecing together a new thought about this. One of my Psychodrama buddies recently said to me the J L Moreno (founder of Psychodrama) once said that you are not dead until everyone in your social atom is dead. Now, before I give my version, an explanation. […]
OK so I see a pattern. 22 August, a Monday, was three days into my last week with no kids, just four weeks after Jane died. I had had some bright moments, been swept along in the pace of work and home life. Enjoyed being at home, setting things straight slowly, still after the Big […]
I have put some documents of Jane online. There are some documents and clippings including Jane’s death notice, a clipping about her trip to Kazakhstan with Heather and her award for Exceptional Adult Educator. I put an MP3 (digital audio version) of Jane’s Blackadder rehearsal recording (it’s 3.4 MB) for her part as Sir Walter […]
Here is the Photoboard that Jane’s sister Kat made as we celebrated and mourned Jane. There are already many other photos of Jane online and I still have many more to add.
Jane, I don’t want to say Goodbye to you. I want you to be right here. Each moment, I expect you to just be there right next to me or to see you in a group of people. Or I look at a photo of you and feel my body pulled towards you. I don’t […]
Sometimes I feel guilty about almost having forgotten about you for a little while. Must be the busy moments. These last few days, you have been inside me every moment, Jane. Sometimes it’s the grip of the gap that you leave. And sometimes, it’s not the gap but your place inside me, just as always, […]
Thank you to the people who have left comments on this blog. Please keep leaving them and, if you haven’t please start, if you’d like to. I’ve thought a bit about why I am doing this. It is certainly helpful to my process to do this writing. But I could do it in my notebook. […]
I almost wish I hadn’t said that. Having shrunk from the size of the house to being inside of me, yesterday the gap of Jane grew again to be just outside my body. The protection of my memory of Jane’s dead body lifted and I just crave her. Touching me now, sitting beside me. That […]
I thought it would be terrible, the day I woke up in this house alone. Since the day that Jane died, the place has echoed with her memory. There was a yawning Jane-shaped gap. I imagined it ringing with deafening silence as I searched for her from room to room. Today was that day. The […]